When is an apology not really an apology?

     Let’s face it, nobody’s perfect. We all make mistakes, regardless of how careful we are, regardless of how much we care about those people who are close to us. If we’re truly being authentic, being ourselves, there’s no way we can avoid periodically colliding with each other. It’s just a part of being human.

     So how should we handle ourselves when we make a mistake and upset someone we care about? Certainly, offering an apology is a good thing to do. Perhaps we have innocently and inadvertantly upset the person. Or maybe our egos got in the way, we fell into being controlling, or we lapsed into being selfish and childish. How can we simply and elegantly make amends for bruising the other?

     An honest apology is really a heartfelt acknowledgment that I’ve been hurtful, innocently or intentionally, to the other person and that I feel badly about it. It has the ring of sincerity which will be noticed by the other. The only way to do this is to let oneself feel what the other might be feeling, and respond honestly from that position. This requires letting go of one’s own agendas momentarily and letting the feelings of the other wash over us. It’s not easy to do…it’s “putting yourself in the other person’s shoes”.

     People who remain defensive and cannot let themselves be vulnerable often offer a quick and brusque “I’m sorry”; more a weak approximation of apology designed to dismiss the matter and move on, than a true apology. The listener will find themselves holding onto their sense of being wronged even if they’d rather not do so. Moving on is impossible until both parties can receive each other without defensiveness. I’m sure many of us have both done this to others and been the recipient of the same at times.

     So…heartfelt acknowledgment of being hurtful and feeling remorseful over it…or a psuedo-apology designed to dismiss the matter…which will it be for you? Remember, your relationships deserve the best you’ve got!