Ever drive in your car with the radio on and “listen” to the news? Most of us do everyday. However, if you had to take a quiz on the news you just heard, I think you’d be surprised at how little you actually integrated into memory. During listening we have to register what we hear. When a person actually registers the input, then he can relate it to his life, have an opinion about it, and comment about it effectively.
The problem so many couples have is that they do not adequately hear & register what the partner is saying. They then proceed ahead with inadequate understanding of what the partner is trying to convey, and wind up in all sorts of misunderstandings and misperceptions. Accurately hearing and registering is necessary for good connection between the partners…and without it, we miss each other! Here’s an experiment you can have with your partner: relay back to them what you’ve heard them say. That takes care of the data being transmitted, the words. Now tell the listener should tell the speaker what feelings are contained in the words. All human communications have two components: the words and the feelings. Like in a song, there are the lyrics and the music. We want the listener to register both words and feelings. As partners experiment with this back and forth, getting more expert at registering both words and feelings, their communications will gradually become more accurate and satisfying and less confused and conflicted.
Chase E. Kneeland, M.Div. LMFT 