Dropping your defensiveness…

It’s not easy to remain vulnerable and open when the person you love is upset with you. When confronted with an angry partner, most of us will tend to withdraw. Think about it; it’s natural to pull back, to want to retreat to a less challenging place. But how much good does this do us? Not much. Does it really afford us protection from the angry person? Not really.

When we withdraw from our upset partner, that person usually gets more upset. Why is this? Because then your partner has to deal with distance and abandonment feelings which will probably arise in addition to what upset them in the first place. The withdrawal is experienced as running away, which only makes things worse. So what’s a good guideline? First off, try to not withdraw, even though it may be anxiety-provoking to stay in contact.

What’s it take to not withdraw? Let’s start with a commitment to the relationship and belief in it’s durability. Folks who shy away from conflict act like the relationship is not strong enough to weather a temporary period of stress. So, let your attention stay with your partner, don’t allow yourself to become scared off or distracted.

Next, find out what’s upsetting the person. Ask them how they feel, and what they sense is provoking it. The simple act of asking indicates a lack of defensiveness. Then listen to what the partner has to say. Ask for clarifications when you feel confused. Don’t argue with your partner, that means you’re starting to fall into defensiveness. Just accept what your partner says as statements of their reality. As the conversation goes along, you should be able to repeat back to your partner what he/she is saying is upsetting to them…that’s a good way to test if you’re really listening and registering.

What I find to be the case over and over again is that when people who care about each other interact like I’m suggesting, the “problem” seems to diminish. It’s curious in life how there are two kinds of problems: problems that lend themselves to “solution”, and problems that don’t lend themselves to “solution”. Interacting as I’m suggesting opens the door to making what was a problem diminish in size to a non-problem…the painful energy in it has been drained off. Then, having reduced the difficulty to more manageable dimensions, we can later apply other problem-solving skills to address the matter even more thoroughly.