Understanding the Point of View of Your Partner…

Eyewitnesses to a car crash routinely report differing accounts of what happened. How can this be? Even onlookers standing near each other often relate differing opinions on what happened. The answer lies in the fact that each of us has particular points of view, depending on a variety of factors.

Partners often have differing points of view on issues and we should regard this as normal. What we want to work toward in relationships is collaboration, not competition. That’s not to say that competition is unhealthy; it’s not. But in relationships where there are issues to be defined and problems to be managed, it’s better to work together than get tangled up in competing with each other. Remember, two heads are better than one…two pairs of eyes on the problem are better than one pair. When partners make the decision to collaborate and not compete, they telegraph to each other that they respect each other. This mutual respecting goes a long way toward enabling both to understand each other’s point of view.

It’s also important to not have to be “right”. The partner who insists on being right all the time provokes conflict in the relationship and winds up inviting the same competitive behavior in the other partner. Having to be right all the time is a strong indicator of low self-esteem and insecurity about oneself; people who are happy amd confident about themselves don’t have to be right constantly. Letting go of the tyranny of “having to be right” can be scary, but it’s also liberating, and lets your partner know you’re willing to be trusting and vulnerable. Understanding the point of view of your partner doesn’t necessarily mean losing your own.

Finally, let’s touch on the issue of being controlling. Having to constantly be in control of what’s happening in the relationship is a sure sign of insecurity and a recipe for lots of trouble between two people. What we mentioned above, having to be right, is linked to being controlling. As it is with many things in life, whether being controlling is problematic or not is a matter of extent. There’s nothing wrong with being in control of your own life, but when being controlling migrates over into trying to control the other person in the relationship, then we have trouble. Why would someone invest in being controlling? What are they trying to achieve, and what are the effects being controlling generates? Great questions, and we’ll discuss them more later on.