Not all married folks have identical abilities to handle life’s many tasks and challenges. Some are good at being on time, being properly dressed for the occasion, and know when to head home after the event. Others tend to show up late routinely, underdress for the occasion, and are always the last to leave the party. Two people like these may find each other very attractive and feel quite drawn to the other, despite their seeming differences. If asked, they might even say “we complement each other”.
In many cases, getting things done seems to come down to self-awareness, noticing, and moving into action. The homeowner notices the shrubs along the front walk need pruning and so takes an hour to complete the job. Her mate comes home that afternoon and says “I don’t know what’s different around here but the front walk area looks better”. He’s oblivious to the apparent need, but is appreciative of the change for the better. Does this sound familiar?
We see this kind of “differentness” in relationships all the time. Nobody’s perfect and we all have strengths and limitations. But occasionally our limitations create real difficulty for us; when we forget to service the car or get it state inspected on time; when we neglect the email reminder to call the dentist for an appointment; when we over-schedule ourselves and forget to pick the kids up from daycare. That’s when our reliance on our partner to compensate for us runs us into trouble, especially when the compensation is never really discussed between the partners and agreed upon as a good way to manage the relationship.
What we’re describing here is called compensatory functioning. Compensatory functioning happens automatically in many relationships, and often isn’t a problem…it’s helpful! If you can’t reach the salt shaker at the dinner table, your partner will slide it over to you, in many cases without you having to ask…the one partner has a limitation, the other notices and compensates for it. Troubles arise when too much compensatory functioning is needed, and winds up being expected in the relationship.
For example, the spouse who is chronically losing her housekey (and the spare key under the doormat) winds up having to call her husband at work to come home and let her in the house. He has repeatedly enabled her forgetful tendencies by buying key after key, instead of insisting she learn to manage the keys better. And who’s been the one to visit the hardware store to have new keys made…him, of course. A case could be made for him training her to be irresponsible. Ultimately he is resentful about having to leave work to rescue her, while she is getting more and more expert in becoming helpless. Not a happy situation! See how compensating too much for the limitations of the other gets both partners into trouble?
There are many other illustrations:
…..the disorganized husband and the over-competent wife who bails him out and does tasks he’s forgotten to finish…
…..the teenager who forgets his homework and the parent who drives it over to the school…
…..the alcoholic who’s hung over on Monday morning and misses work, and the enabling wife who makes excuses for his absenteeism…
Take some time and identify the compensatory functioning in your own relationships. Ask yourself, “am I getting more competent managing things I’m not naturally good at, or just avoiding growing by getting my partner to compensate for me?” Let’s face it – avoiding things is not good for either person in the relationship – and we can bring out the best in each other when we “hold each other’s feet to the fire” in a loving and respectful way.
Chase E. Kneeland, M.Div. LMFT 