Often in my posts I mention marriage instead of “significant relationship”, and in most cases what’s said about marriage also applies to the dynamics of any significant relationship. But how are they different? Although it’s certainly not the only feature, perhaps it has to do with varying levels of commitment.
I have met many couples who have valid reasons for choosing not to marry. Marriage is not a relationship cure-all, nor is it beneficial for every partnership across the board. It also has to be noted that a significant segment of our population has not, until very recently in some states, had the right to marry or engage in civil union. For those in the gay community, the freedom to choose brings them into the space of having to decide what kind of partnership is most fitting for them.
For those for whom marriage is the right decision, however, I have noticed a curious side-benefit. I’ve interviewed scores of people over the years and time and time again, when we talk about what’s important for a durable relationship, everyone mentions the matter of commitment. I liken it to the mountain climber’s rope or the kayaker’s life vest; both keep us safer than we are without them, and though each might be a bit of an encumbrance at times, both are valuable in arresting a fall or keeping our heads up when we wind up swimming down the river of life instead of paddling…
That’s not to say that folks in long term unmarried relationships are not committed to each other; rather that many people found their level of commitment to the relationship increasing when they got married. What are the benefits of increased commitment? There are many, but in particular, commitment often affords a level of safety in the relationship that makes it more resilient. Resiliency and safety are beautiful things: as we develop as individuals, we benefit by having a partnership in which we can grow and stretch, knowing the container that surrounds us is strong and reliable.
Almost everyone agrees that getting out of a relationship is more difficult when you’re married than when not married. It’s costly in more ways than just financial. Nobody relishes the idea of walking away from something they’ve pledged in front of other people to maintain through both good times and tough times. Being married often tends to slow us down from our impulses to bolt when the tough times happen. “Just look at all I have to gain by staying in my marriage” helps people to reassess what the relationship’s worth to them, encourages them to go get help to figure out where they’re going wrong, and to see that being in a marriage requires work to nurture it and have it grow in durability and significance.
Whether married or in a partnership, initially it’s just you and me, but usually after awhile children arrive. Then the couple has to consider the welfare of the children, not just what benefits the two of them. Adding children to the family is wonderful, but it’s also stressful, as a study in the 90’s on deprivation experiences concluded. Parents are deprived of sleep, financial resources are stretched, less time is available to complete routine tasks, and most of all, the parents are deprived of time and attention for each other. What can help support and strengthen the couple during this time? In my experience, the commitment that a healthy marriage requires can afford us a level of safety and security in our primary relationship that’s reassuring and stabilizing in our turbulent and challenging world.
Chase E. Kneeland, M.Div. LMFT 