Is This a Marriage Problem or a Me Problem?

Often in relationships partners get into struggles with each other and someone will say, “that’s your problem, not mine”. What this commonly means is that what bothers the one does not bother the other. It would probably be clearer and more empathetic to say, “I understand that so-and-so bothers you, and although I’m not particularly bothered by it, let’s together figure out what a constructive solution to the dilemma might be”. Just saying “that’s your problem, not mine” is far more exclusive than inclusive, and ultimately what’s bothersome to him may so affect the relationship that she will become bothered too. This may not seem fair, but in marriage we are so connected to each other that it’s inevitable that what affects the one will eventually affect the other. Which brings me to my next point…

Perhaps a better way of thinking about marriage problems is to conceive of them as “me” problems which have been mismanaged. For instance, if Jack procrastinates constantly and gets in trouble at work due to lateness, pretty soon he and Jill will be arguing with each other over his job security, which affects her greatly. The fact that neither of them are good communicators, interrupt and get defensive, and don’t listen to each other makes it look like they’re dealing with a marriage dispute, because both of them are now contributing to the disharmony in the way they interact with each other.

However, this really is Jack’s problem as he is the genesis of it. Jill can’t solve Jack’s procrastination tendencies, since Jack brought them with him into the marriage. They’re his problem which has now become our problem! This is what we usually see happening in marriage: the one partner lives out their problem inside the marriage relationship and the other reacts to it…and then both of them entangle each other in their mutual reactions, creating a marital struggle.

What’s the solution to this dilemma? That each partner take responsibility for their part in the creation of the marital struggle. This will involves Jack’s investigating why he chronically procrastinates (maybe he’ll discover he adopted procrastinating as a way of fending off and neutralizing an over-controlling parent, and now he’s perpetuating a pattern which was necessary in his childhood world but is counterproductive in his adult world). Jane creates her part in the difficulties as well (perhaps what’s getting activated in her are adult fears of re-living the financial chaos she experienced in her childhood when parents lost jobs due to procrastination), and this is why she is too reactive with Jack, gets panicky and cannot hold back from interrupting him and getting angry, instead of keeping her balance and objectivity, and discussing calmly with him the difficulties his procrastination bring to their family.

In the final analysis, most marriage problems begin as a “me” problem which is not handled very effectively and which the partner reacts to unhelpfully…which then escalates matters to the level of a “marriage crisis”. Settling “my” problem both benefits me and allows my partner to back off from becoming so reactive, so now I have a happier partner on my hands. Sounds like a pretty good deal, right? I think you’ll find it is! In the next post we’ll deal with why it’s not a good idea to just change partners (i.e., get a divorce) without attending to these matters…