If I Had a Different Mate, Would My Problems be Over?…

As a friend of mine once said, “when you’re in pain, lots of things start to look like aspirin”. What my friend was alluding to is that for every life dilemma there are good solutions and options that masquerade as solution. Take the matter of choosing to divorce; many people think “If I am not happy with my current spouse, I should just get a different one”. The problem with this way of thinking is that it assumes the problems in the relationship belong to the spouse. In most cases, that’s simply erroneous thinking. Problems in a relationship are the product of what both the partners bring to the table, and also how they interact with each other. Simply put, substituting a new person for the spouse you’re having trouble with only “fixes half the problem”. You see, you’re the other half of the problem…

You see, the personal problems and counterproductive tendencies we all carry around on a daily basis often come to full flower in the marriage. Take the example of Jack & Jill in my previous post; it Jack hadn’t married his tendencies to procrastinate, for the most part, would have affected only him. Jill’s financial fears would not get so activated had she remained single. Her fears would still be intact within her, just not so activated.

If Jack simply divorces Jill without attending to his procrastination tendencies (and what’s behind them!), he’ll be setting the stage for re-creating the conflicts he had with Jill but with a new, different woman. Since procrastination is the way Jack deals with feeling controlled in a relationship, and there’s no way we can’t feel some level of obligation and accountability to our spouse, unless Jack learns new ways of dealing with his control issues he is certain to repeat his old patterns of reacting with his new spouse. The same is true for Jill; unless she learns new ways of responding to her deep fears getting activated she will react in the same nagging, irritable manner she did with Jack when her new husband puts off attending to tasks (which we all do at one time or another).

So what’s the solution to this dilemma? Don’t just up and file for divorce if you’re having trouble with your spouse! Find out what your contributions to the difficulties are, learn new ways of dealing with yourself, get to know what you’re bringing to the relationship that’s hurting it. Develop an intensely curious attitude about yourself – ask yourself “What am I doing to make these tough life situations worse?” I think you’ll be surprised at what you learn when you start asking yourself these questions!