Just Listen, Don’t Try To Fix Me!

How many times have you just wanted to have someone close to you listen to where you find yourself in your life, and the person responded by trying to “fix” you? What results is a less-than-helpful experience that winds up with everyone feeling frustrated. So how can we keep from sliding into this space?

When we have a transmission problem with our car, we take it to the repair shop and want it fixed. But when we have a knotty personal problem we’re wrestling with and we visit a friend to talk about it with, what do we want from that friend? Most of the time the answer will be we want to be listened to.

Listening is really a fairly difficult thing to do, and that’s why so many folks are not all that good at it. What’s it take to be a good listener? I can think of three things:

• first, minimize your distractions. Turn off that TV. Put down that book you’ve been reading. Look at the person talking to you. Focus your attention on the speaker, notice the sound of their voice, their inflections, the feelings contained in what they’re saying as well as the details of the story. The idea of “multitasking” is a myth; nobody can do two things at once effectively.
• second, follow the details of the story. If you get lost, ask the speaker to repeat a detail you’ve missed. You’re going on a journey with the speaker. You’re entering that person’s world, just for a short time. Really good listening means you can tell back to the speaker what they’ve just told you.
• third, note the feeling flow of the speaker. Is the person sad, irritated, confused? If you’re not sure of how the speaker is feeling, ask them. Really good listening involves discovering the harmony between the details of the story and the feelings woven through the story.

When folks are truly listened to, they feel received, met, embraced. They feel like the listener has accompanied them on their life’s journey. A sense of satisfaction comes out of this. It’s quite different from being “fixed”. Remember, broken transmissions require fixing; people require being listened to. I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand it, but part of the magic of listening is that so often people discover their own solutions to life dilemmas in the midst of being listened to.