Perfectionist? How’s That Working For You?

Let’s be frank about it – does anyone really think that perfectionism is truly a possibility on this earthly plane? I doubt it. But regardless of that, people have and will continue to pour energy into “trying to be perfect” every day. Why do we do this?

I think it stems from a deep-rooted feeling of simply not being good enough, valuable enough, worthy enough. For most of us, this is an irrational belief which can never be satisfied. Because it’s a belief based on an inner sense of lacking, it can never be achieved by outward strivings. That’s why the perfectionist is left with the nagging feeling “no matter how much I do, I’m never quite good enough”.

The noted psychologist Fritz Perls, MD, has written that “perfectionism is an indication of self-hatred”. Wow, let that insight sink in! Self hatred. Yes, I know that’s really strong, but think about it: we’re talking about being driven by inner forces we can never satisfy and which never give us the credit we simply and honestly deserve.

I doubt if anyone is naturally filled with a desire to function in ways so guaranteed to lead to unhappiness. So where does this tendency come from? I’ll bet it’s a reaction to something in the person’s life that’s happened.

So many of our activites in life are about reacting to something. We fasten our seat belts in reaction to safety concerns. We cry at weddings and funerals in reaction to feeling moved. We stand up when the National Anthem is played at baseball games as a reaction to honoring the flag of our Nation. In most cases, there’s nothing wrong with reacting to stimuli, events, or feelings. I just think it’s important to know that we’re reacting and what we’re reacting to. The examples I’ve mentioned are all reasonable reactions to everyday events.

However, sometimes our reactions are not reasonable. Then the reaction doesn’t fit the event, doesn’t really address the event, and won’t get us the desired result of lessening the impact of the event. For instance:

• when parents struggle with each other and the child tries to “be perfect” so as not to make worse an already inflamed situation – that’s an unreasonable reaction on the child’s part…
• when a handicapped child is born into the family and the other children feel the need to “make up” for that one by becoming outstanding performers…
• when one parent is chronically depressed and the children try to “make dad happy” by performing flawlessly in school in both academics and sports…

The problem here is that trends which are learned in childhood that attempt to compensate for painful situations get carried into adult life and become automatic ways of operating. I’d like to suggest that perfectionism is one of those trends.

What’s an alternative to perfectionism that we an actually achieve? Excellence. Focus on doing tasks as best we can, taking into consideration our strengths, gifts, and limitations…with excellence as our goal…not perfectionism. We cannot make up for past situations, historical difficulties, or relationship problems between folks we care for, but we can honor ourselves and our own personal pathways by simply doing a good, reasonable job every day and pursuing excellence in the process.