Are You Good At Receiving Compliments?

It never ceases to surprise me how many folks have a hard time taking a compliment. Is it easy for you? If so, good for you – you’re in the minority!

Why does taking a compliment make people squirm? What does it require of us to take a compliment? Were you taught by your parents to gracefully accept a compliment?

I think many of us would say our parents taught us indirectly that being gracious and taking a gift (or a compliment) was important, but that was about all that was ever said about it. I doubt there is ever much conversation about such things in most families. But one thing most folks mention when the topic comes up is that it’s easier for them to give a gift than receive one. Why is being the recipient of a gift such a difficult matter?

I’d like to propose two possibilities:

• it has to do with a sense of neediness and vulnerability
• it touches our our personal value and self-esteem

When someone gives us a gift, it might remind us of our neediness, both as an individual and as a member of the greater clan of humanity. I don’t mean neediness in a negative, hungry way…I mean it in the way of an honest recognition that we are better off in relationship with each other, cooperating with each other and benefitting from what each other has to contribute. It reminds us that we’re not islands, separate from each other with no interconnections. That reality of this recognition can make us feel very vulnerable, and folks often feel defensive when they touch their vulnerabilities. Think about this…and you’ll see how it’s often easier to be a giver than a receiver…

“Oh gee, I don’t really deserve this”…how many times when you’ve given a gift to someone, they’ve said this back to you? Take a look at that statement – see how it’s often a reflection of the person’s sense of their personal value? One thing I’ve learned through decades of clinical work is that people routinely undervalue their self-worth.

“Don’t get a swelled head”

“It’s always better to be modest”

“Nobody likes a show-off or a know-it-all”

I think we’ve all heard these admonitions during our formative years. Often we internalize those messages as critical voices that inhibit us from being proud of our gifts and talents, and instead make us reluctant to acknowledge them.

What’s an antidote to this dilemma? Let’s start with the direct pathway – actively practice becoming a better gift-receiver! When I was in training I heard my supervisor, Dr. Oberman,  respond to a compliment by saying “that’s the nicest thing anyone’s said to me all day”. I’ve never forgotten he said that, even though it was many years ago. How gracious, how inclusive! I think you’ll be surprised at the difference it will make in your relationships…remember, for the gift (or compliment) to be truly given, we need the intended receiver to take the gift.