When I was growing up and we had a project to complete, Dad used to say to me, “let’s choose the best tool for the job”. As time has gone along, the wisdom contained in that idea never ceases to impress me.
I think most people would agree that our world has become more impersonal in the last few decades. It’s as though there’s just something missing in how we interact with each other. Which is surprising, since our abilities to communicate with each other have improved, at least technologically. However, if we really examine the matter, I think we’ll see that reaching out and connecting with each other has only partially been satisfied by our technological advances. It’s clear that social media have significantly improved our staying in touch with each other, reconnecting with old relationships, and keeping up-to-date with others on a “what’s happening in my life on a day-to-day basis”. This is all about what I call data-transactional, and there’s nothing wrong with it. It’s just that it’s not intimate. Hmmm, here’s that idea again…intimate.
Maybe what’s missing has to do with the personal…
Earlier this week I had the opportunity to go fishing with a young friend at his client’s exclusive fly fishing club. The host met us at the club, guided us around the 200 acres and miles of private trout streams, and put us onto great fishing. I thought to myself, “wow, we’re so fortunate to get to do this!”. At the end of the day, back at home, I wondered how to thank him. I ended up writing a long note of thanks on my wife Linda’s botanical notecards (which she painted) and sent if off. It took a bit of time and effort to complete. The idea of a quick email never even occurred to me. Why? Simply not personal. Let’s use the best tool for the job…
Our daughter Stephanie got married last summer and it took her weeks to write all the thank-you notes to the folks who attended the wedding. Person after person mentioned to me how unusual and heartwarming the notes were, and how the note made it clear how grateful Stephanie and her husband Dave were that the person made the effort to come to their wedding. The note was only partially about the gift; it was more about the person giving it. People told me they kept the card and read and re-read it. Why? It was touching. It was related. Personal.
A young man I’ve had the pleasure of knowing now for a few years said of his stepmother, “she’s a remarkable woman. When she talks to you she looks right at you. She makes you feel like you’re the only person in the room”. He’s right. It’s so natural for her and so profound it’s almost startling. Personal.
I’m not trying to brag about my family members or people I know, and I’m not making a case simply for sending hand-written notes. Nor am I making a negative commentary on social media and our technological advancements. I’m trying to wake us up about the creeping tendency to lose intimacy and a sense of the personal. Our cultural developments will affect us, but they don’t have to control us. Ask yourself, how personal am I? How impersonal have I let myself become? Have I lost something important in the process of living in our world today? Of course you can get it back! But first you’ll have to ask yourself the question!
Chase E. Kneeland, M.Div. LMFT 