How many of us make New Year’s resolutions, only to abandon them even before February arrives? Probably most of us. How come? Possibly because the resolution is just not reasonable; it’s too big to be accomplished over the short run, which is what we’re planning, and we just haven’t found within us the energy to maintain it over the long run. So here’s a different idea: just make one resolution for the new year, and make it achievable without a constant expenditure of energy. Let’s call the resolution a life goal.
I differentiate between inner goals and outer goals. Here are a variety of inner goals we might adopt for 2016:
- stop interrupting and focus on listening when in conversations with others…
- in conversations, ask people about themselves; don’t just monologue about yourself…
- ask yourself, “what’s the effect I’m having on the other guy?”…become more aware of other people’s reactions to you…
In recent years I’ve become increasingly aware of how acutely problematic narcissistic and self-referential tendencies are in relationships. It seems our culture is more and more preoccupied with “it’s all about me” to the exclusion of the personhood of the other in the interaction. The inner goals I’m proposing can help us push against the tendency to make it “all about us”. Believe me, our spouses and family members will thank us…
Here are two outer goals we might challenge ourselves with for 2016:
- weight management: eat more slowly and notice when you’re feeling full…and then quit even if there’s food left on your plate…
- physical fitness: go walking at your local park for one hour on one afternoon during the weekend…or go biking around your neighborhood for one hour on one afternoon during the weekend…
Doesn’t seem like much exercise, does it? Or a highly detailed and complicated weight loss program, eh? You’re right, they’re not. And that’s because I want them to be endeavors we succeed at, not get frustrated by. Nobody can succeed if the plan has too many moving parts. Successful plans are achievable plans, easily replicated and also enjoyable. Let’s put success within our grasp this year. Most folks overeat by not noticing they feel full, so they continue eating past the point of being satisfied. And many people drop a fitness program after a few months because going to the gym three times a week simply doesn’t fit in with their established lifestyle. However, walking or biking for a short while once during the weekend can become a part of one’s new life patterns without much difficulty, and can become fun as well. For me, that’s the secret to success with our life goals. Give it a try, and let me know how you make out!
Chase E. Kneeland, M.Div. LMFT 