How about if we give some thought to starting out 2016 on a good footing? If you’re like many people who make promises and then fail to follow through and complete what’s promised, instead of feeling ashamed and embarrassed let’s take some time to think through what falling into this way of operating is all about.
I’ve found that most people want to be pleasing to others as they go along in their lives. My experience is that very few people truly “don’t care” how others feel; most are quite sensitive about the feelings of the other person, and want the people they intersect with on a daily basis to be happy with them. However, too much caring about being pleasing can get us into trouble, prompt us to overextend ourselves, and make arrangements which are difficult if not impossible to complete successfully. For instance, will that gardening project you promised your wife you’ll complete before the 6PM dinner party you’re hosting…can it really be completed in the time you’ve alloted for it? How many times have you underestimated the time necessary to complete a project and then had to apologize to your spouse for not finishing it? Did your wish to be pleasing to your wife get in the way of realistically figuring how long the job would take?
What happens in relationships when we promise but then fail to deliver? Well, a number of things, all bad, and in my mind two of them stand out quite vividly – disappointment and loss of trust. Understanding the disappointment is easy; others are counting on you to achieve the goal, and when you don’t, they are impacted negatively…particularly when the disappointment happens again and again. Loss of trust involves a more profound negative effect; it erodes belief in the individual and brings into question the durability of the relationship…because the cornerstone element in all relationships which must be honored and preserved is trust.
It seems so ironic that the very thing the individual is pursuing – being pleasing – eventuates in damaging the relationship…what starts out with a positive motive ends with a broken product. Should we abandon trying to be pleasing? Of course not – but the task is to keep it in bounds, not overdo it! Remember, whenever we overdo something we set the stage for a less-than-optimal result!
Chase E. Kneeland, M.Div. LMFT 