Who likes criticism? Almost nobody I know! However, criticism can be quite valuable, and a terrific tool for personal growth. What one has to do is to see it’s value and learn to appreciate it. So, let’s take a few minutes and consider how we might do that.
Let’s be clear about it – I’m talking about “feedback” from family members, commentary from a trusted friend, or a respected work associate. Not critical comments about your personality or your appearance, but input about your functioning, how you relate to others, or to how you’re coming across in particular situations. Helpful criticism usually includes suggestions of things we can actually DO to make matters better.
We all have ideas about ourselves, self-perceptions, long-held beliefs about ourselves – and some are more accurate than others. These features shape how we communicate, guide the kind of impressions we make, and have a marked effect upon the people we relate to on a day to day basis. The result: we come across to others the way we come across…but do we really know how we’re coming across? This is where creative criticism can really be a benefit.
Much of the time, I think you’ll have to ask for it. Most people I know are reluctant to offer their impressions of how you’re coming across; they don’t want to be intrusive or be regarded as impolite. Most often, however, folks seem to feel almost honored to be asked, as if their impressions really matter to you.
Almost every time I get a request for a public speaking engagement I say “yes”, even though a part of me is afraid to do it. Who among us doesn’t get nervous when up in front of a crowd of people? But we miss out on growing if we don’t challenge ourselves, and that’s why I say “yes”. Each time I finish the talk, I make a point of asking folks how it came across:
- Did I seem anxious?
- Did the stories link up and illustrate the main point?
- Was I coming across with a superior tone?
Let’s face it – if you don’t ask, you’ll never get the helpful input to guide you as to how you’re coming across! And without that input there’s no opportunity for you to consider what’s being said to you and let the input have an effect on you!
For instance, do you:
- look at your life partner when he/she is speaking to you?
- interrupt people before they’re done speaking?
- finish people’s sentences?
- come across looking bored or impatient when colleagues are talking to you?
- glance at your cellphone when someone is speaking to you?
- arrive late for engagements chronically and assume everyone will simply “understand”?
- have a subtle superior tone when you’re talking with others?
I could go on and on; the list is endless. Here’s the big question: How would you know if you’re doing any of these things? Without feedback, we won’t have the opportunities to make corrections, and then we lose out on chances to better ourselves. So invite that input, solicit that personal feedback, ask for that creative criticism! What do you have to lose?
Chase E. Kneeland, M.Div. LMFT 