Is Eye Contact Really All That Important?

So much of my work involves helping folks to connect with each other. Without a good person-to-person connection, there can’t be any significant transfer of information…which we like to call true communication. The simple fact is that eye contact is tremendously important in establishing that all-so-important connection, period.

When partners feel out of touch with each other, the likelihood is that their communication with each other is also far less than satisfactory. They feel separated from each other, not as intrinsically involved in each other’s daily lives as they’d like to be, and often more peripheral than primary in each other’s lives. What can we do about this?

Well, the first thing we can do about this is to become concerned about it. Without being concerned, upset, bothered about it we won’t feel moved to do anything. Next, I always encourage partners to notice what’s missing in their relationship. It never ceases to surprise me how much partners report how they don’t sit next to each other like they used to, and how they don’t look at each other the way they used to.

A challenging exercise for partners to do is to sit quietly and just look into each other’s eyes, not saying anything, just looking. We don’t want this to be a staring contest; we want it to be a nonverbal meeting of each other. Try it. I think you’ll find it’s a powerful exercise, so much so that one or both partners will laugh self-consciously, or not be able to hold the gaze due to some inner anxiety rising up. See how profound eye contact can be?

I think we truly convey the reality of who we are when we look each other in the eye. In those moments there can be no hiding from the other; the other has a chance to see us honestly and without any guile. I think everyone has a tendency to misrepresent themselves a little bit, most often innocently, to try to make themselves look better than they feel they are, more valuable or self-confident or capable and competent, hoping and wishing to gain the approval of the other. When we look each other in the eye all this benign deception melts away, though. It’s just not possible to be misleading, hiding, or covering up when we establish good eye contact.

So, summing it up, looking each other in the eyes is not just important – it’s essential! – for a strong relationship. It creates the connection that paves the way for good communication, which leads to intimacy between the partners. That’s what we all want, right? Remember, it goes like this, in this order:

Connection — Communication — Intimacy