Graduating From Image To Identity…

I’ve always loved three-piece suits. Nothing is more sophisticated and dramatic than a navy blue suit and vest worn with a white shirt and a red & blue silk tie. Thirty years ago they were all the rage. Now they’re back, good looking as ever, and you’ll see them on movies stars doing TV ads all the time. Styles repeat every thirty years; that’s what a fashion executive friend of mine told me recently.

I’m a therapist, so why do I care about styles? Because style has to do with our presentation, how we appear to the world. And let’s face it – appearance is important. But make no mistake – it’s certainly not the determining ingredient in getting ahead in life.

For many folks, their presentation to the world has lots to do with what kind of image they wish to project. Image has a powerful effect upon others. We have automatic reactions to people based on the image they project. One day I noticed that when I went to my favorite lunch place dressed in coat & tie I got approving looks from people, doors held open for me, and smiles from the restaurant staff…and then on Friday when I went for lunch in blue jeans & sweatshirt the reaction I generated was much different; it was as if I was just like everyone else, nothing special, almost invisible. Not that it’s the most significant realization I’ve ever had, but I doubt I’ll ever forget it…

Can image alone carry us through life successfully? I doubt it. The reason why is that image is all about the outer, and what carries us through life is the deeper reality, the inner. Identity is something we develop gradually as we mature and learn how to reckon with life’s challenges with grace and balance. It’s about who we are at a core level, something we can’t develop early in life. It comes with age and experience, learning to trust oneself, learning about one’s inner assets, one’s strengths and abilities, learning how to appreciate them. It’s also about one’s limitations and shortcomings, one’s liabilities, and learning to respect them. I think the constant, ongoing task of maturity is to mine your assets while managing your liabilities. Mastery of this will take your entire lifetime…it never ends.

So don’t stop with just image. “Charm will get you in the door”, my sister-in-law says, “but after ten minutes we want to see what you’ve got”. Charm has to do with presentation, with image, and it’s an external phenomenon. Make it your goal to clarify your identity as you go along in life –

• who am I, truly, at a core level?
• what are my values?
• what do I believe?
• what endeavors in life am I called to?
• what do I fear, what do I run away from?
• what do I need to face in order to grow as a person?

Personally, I think it takes a lot of courage to ask oneself these questions. It’s common for folks to shy away from looking in the mirror and thinking about what they see. But without doing this we’re liable to wind up stuck at a less-than-optimal stage of development and rob ourselves of maturing into a greater person.