Many times I’m convinced there’s much more art than science when it comes to communicating. As I mentioned in a recent post, the best communication happens when both partners (or all the family members) “keep each other up-to-date” with how they’re managing life, where they’re going & what they’re involved in, and how they’re feeling at the inner level. That’s a major challenge! But how we do this is as important as just plain doing it! So what are some of the major ways we can keep “up-to-date” with each other? I’d like to propose two ways: reporting and sharing.
I usually find that sharing is more personal than reporting. Communicating doesn’t have to be personal all the time, even though it does involve contacting another human being. Sometimes we just want to get some information across to the other person; not make a “personal connection”. Text messages and emails are fine for this; they get the messsage across…I call this “electronic reporting”. However, text messages and emails are not good for transmitting feeling-laden information…they simply are the wrong mechanism for making a personal contact. I’ve seen more misunderstandings and interpersonal struggles arise out of emails and text messages being shot back and forth – and my bet is you know what I mean.
Let me give you an example of sharing that I mentioned two posts ago: a man sits with his wife after breakfast on a Saturday morning and says, “I haven’t been sleeping well for the last few days and I’m worried about dad’s declining health. I wonder if that’s going to happen to me as I age too. I’m also feeling tired at work in the afternoons and that’s just not me. Challenges that used to excite me don’t any more…they make me worry I might not be up for the tasks”.
Why is this sharing and not reporting? Because he’s imparting information about his inner world, his world of feeling and deep thoughts. He’s not telling her about the items he’s looking forward to accomplishing in the coming week, nor the upcoming elections, nor what’s happening with the children’s schedules. Sharing is all about in here, not out there.
In contrast, reporting is all about conveying data about the outer world. It’s as important and substantive as sharing, except it’s not feeling-laden. Partners often do this to let each other know what activities, let’s say, are on the to-do list for the week. The woman might say to her husband “two appointments with the dentist for the kids tomorrow, going shopping for the holidays on Thursday with mom, plus the meeting for the Flower Show on Wednesday down in Philly and then heading over to work to coordinate the visit from the Astra Zeneca people next month”. This is just raw data; there is no particular feeling in it or connected to it.
What you’ll often see is reporting first and sharing second. We live our lives and then have feelings about what’s happening in our lives. That’s why partners need a decompression time at week’s end to share with each other how what they reported to each other is happening in life is now affecting them. However, most partners don’t do this – they go from week to week reporting to each other what’s on the docket but neglect sharing with each other how it’s affecting them. This is a blueprint for feeling busy but detached, active but isolated. Folks often think, “my partner knows how busy I am (I reported about it), how can’t she know how stressed I am?” Don’t make the mistake of assuming your partner knows how you’re feeling just because you’ve reported to her your schedule load. Reporting is not equivalent to sharing! Unless we take time to share, our partners cannot truly know how we’re feeling. We can make assumptions about how our partner is feeling, but those assumptions are often wrong. Plus, what’s missing is the human contact that happens when we share with each other. And that’s what cements partners together.
Hopefully this gives you lots to think about and practice in the next few weeks. Ask yourself, “am I sharing or reporting?” If you’re in a relationship, let your partner know about this post and share with each other what gets generated inside each of you as you read it!
Chase E. Kneeland, M.Div. LMFT 