Being Self-Referential – How To Ruin a Relationship!

Imagine this…You meet with a friend you haven’t seen for some time and you’re looking forward to catching up with him. As you settle into the conversation, you begin to notice the interaction shifting toward being “all about him” and not much about what you have to share. You try to re-emphasize events that have been important to you, but your friend seems to take whatever you say as a reminder of similar circumstances in his own life, and goes off talking more and more about himself. You feel the energy draining out of you and you begin to get less involved in the interaction, which your friend seems to not notice. You find yourself looking forward to the time together ending…

What’s happening?

If there’s one thing relationships require, it’s a good give-and-take attitude wherein both parties pay attention to each other’s stories reciprocally. Another ingredient is the ability to be curious about the other person’s story. When a person uses everything you mention to remind themselves of things in their own life, and then monopolizes the conversation with expounding on what comes to her mind, this kind of interaction is far more a monologue than a dialogue. This is called being self-referential.

Why would anyone function like this? Most of the time, it’s either an attempt to make up for insecurity or simply a lack of consciousness about the effect one is having on the other person. The trouble with this is that it’s done unconsciously – the person doesn’t even know they’re doing it! Either way, it’s poisonous to building the relationship. Ideally, we should be “meeting in the middle” in our conversations, having a healthy give-and-take, appreciating what the other person is telling you, truly receiving it and being interested, and then getting the same back from the other person. It’s like a game of catch wherein both parties throw the ball and catch it, back and forth, with nobody “hogging the ball” for too long. However, if you grew up in a family wherein you constantly felt dismissed, not paid attention to or marginalized, the stage is now set for you to want those feelings to go away in your present life. Many times when a person expects to be not listened to they cannot tell when the other is truly receiving what they say, so they go on and on, endlessly trying to “be heard”, even though they are being heard…they just can’t believe it and so they persist in their ingrained way of operating. This is terribly frustrating for the listener, and after a while the listener will withdraw, feeling irritated and bored.

Another possibility is that the person who engages in self-referential behaviors grew up believing that the world is a competitive place wherein there can only be one winner. Maturing as a person will show you that this is simply not the case, that a primary task in life is to develop being collaborative and not competitive. Competitive is all about keeping the ball to yourself, while collaborative is all about sharing evenly and reciprocally, and tossing the ball back-and-forth.

To fix this, the most important thing to do is to notice if you’re following every comment the other person makes with a reflection on your own life. That’s referring the topic back to yourself – this is why we call it “self referential”. Instead of doing that, ask questions about what the other person is bringing up. Be curious about what the other person’s life is like, as I mentioned earlier. If you have a fairly solid relationship with the person, mention to them that they’re engaging in being self-referential, and explain to them how they’re doing it. Most people will be shocked to notice this is how they’re interacting. If you choose to be direct like this, it may make matters tense temporarily. But make no mistake, it’s one of the most helpful comments one can make to a friend.

The Holidays are approaching and with it, lots of family & friends get-togethers are being planned. Lots of interactions will be happening! Use this time as an opportunity to observe yourself and see if you’re falling into being self-referential, and who among your friends & family are stuck in being self-referential. Change your pattern…ask more questions…and see where it leads you in your relationships!