When Should We Go For Therapy?

Life is so often not what we expect – it can be rich and rewarding but also at times challenging and disappointing. Regardless of our family & friends supporting us, we sometimes need professional consultation to help us navigate the difficult pathways that face us. When should we reach out for that professional help?

Let me offer some guidelines…First, don’t tolerate a bad situation for a longer time than what seems reasonable. Second, take note of when you’re getting more isolated or worn out trying to cope with your challenging situation. Third, be aware of when your distress begins to migrate from emotional components over to including physical issues such as chronic aches and pains, lateness to school or work, or tendencies to increase consumption of alcohol. All these are signs that you’re nearing or at your limit of being able to manage your challenges creatively.

Let’s take a look at each of these three guidelines in a bit more depth. First, the matter of tolerating a bad situation. Everyone wants to give a difficult situation time to resolve itself. Communication difficulties between partners, once addressed, should be expected to get better within 3 months if both partners are working at improving their communication. Violence in relationships should not be tolerated at all, as studies have shown that violence escalates in relationships once it’s allowed to happen. The rule is – no violence – period! Lying and infidelity are significant violations of trust, and have to cease once noted and addressed. Allowing either to go on in the relationship is inviting more of the same. Professional help is almost always necessary in these situations…the sooner the better.

Second, the matter of drifting into becoming isolated and worn out dealing with the situation. These are sure signs that you’re losing energy to tolerate the difficulty. When this happens in relationships, you’ll find yourself distancing from your partner. The increased distance constitutes an attempt to blunt the pain of the issue but it makes connecting with the partner impossible, and without connecting and communicating the problem becomes impossible to address and resolve. Furthermore, becoming less vocal about the problem might be misinterpreted by the partner as “she’s OK with the situation”, which insures the issue won’t get addressed. When you sense yourself losing energy to deal with the problem, that’s the time to get professional help.

Third, regarding the matter of physical complaints beginning to surface in the individual. This indicates the emotional distress is starting to be echoed in the body…a matter not to be ignored. Bothersome headaches that become a daily occurance, the periodic sleeplessness advancing into every-other-day insomnia, the indigestion and backaches which become more frequent and predictable…it’s like your body is saying to you, “you won’t pay attention to just emotional upset, let’s see if adding physical distress gets your attention”. This process is called somatizing, and usually it goes away when the emotional issues are resolved. However, somatizing is a significant sign that the inner conflicts have deep roots and professional help is most likely necessary at this point.

Why do folks wait longer than they should to get professional help? Probably the most prevalent reasons are money, denial and fear. Let’s face it, getting professional help can be expensive. Insurance plans often pay for part of the costs while the balance has to be borne by the individual. Many families like to anticipate their expenses and plan for them, and covering the costs of treatment are often seen as unexpected and overwhelming. The second reason, denial, is almost a universal and automatic reaction to a traumatic event. Denial is an ego defense mechanism designed to protect the individual from the pain and shock of an intense negative situation. “It’s not so bad” and “no big deal, I can handle this” is what folks often say when confronted with painful issues and are drifting into a state of denial. Denial is very common, but dangerous nonetheless. Denial slows down seeing the gravity of an issue accurately and thus our response to it is not timely and optimally effective.

Lastly, let’s think about the matter of fear. Everyone feels scared when faced with having to change some important features of how they are living. Human beings design systems to organize our lives, and when these systems no longer work and we have to evolve, it’s upsetting and worrisome to us. We don’t have certainty about where we’re going, nor do we know how we’ll adjust to the new ways of living. However, we must not let our fears paralyze us and prevent us from moving forward. Inactivity and procrastination will not diminish the challenges which confront us, facing them and determining to move through them has been shown to be consistently the best alternative.

So remember, life can be unpredictable and difficult. Although it’s a mistake, many folks stay in a situation that’s not working well for too long. Every month we spend tangled up in some emotional dilemma which robs us of our energies and makes us emotionally unavailable for the important people in our lives is a month we’ve essentially let slip through our fingers. Beyond a reasonable point, don’t let that happen to you. Hopefully these guidelines will be helpful to you in determining when to reach out for professional assistance and make 2017 a turnaround year…