In the best of all possible worlds, we’d learn from a young age to simply be ourselves, appreciate our own talents and assets, know and respect our limitations, and enjoy life one day at a time. However, I’m describing an ideal environment, and no one I’ve ever met has been fortunate enough to have this be their predominant life experience. We’re social creatures at root, we notice what’s happening around us and how we fit in, and therefore learning to compare ourselves to others seems to me an unavoidable matter…so let’s look at both the pros and cons of doing so.
In many ways, comparisons can be helpful and important:
- What’s the normal height & weight for a baby at 10 months?
- At what age do most children learn to read?
- In the mid-Atlantic states, how many graduates of suburban high schools go on to college?
- What’s the average age I can expect to live to?
Comparisons provide us with benchmarks and norms that help us to adjust our expectations. However, that’s a key phrase I want us to remember – adjust our expectations. Our expectations can be an assist to us and power us forward in life, or they can operate to discourage us and wind up holding us back. Looking at the positive aspects, comparing ourselves to others helps us see where we fit in. Am I above the norm or below it? Am I keeping up or falling behind? Are the particulars of my life meeting up to reasonable expectations? Comparisons like these can be really helpful. Did you know that having/making more money per year up to a certain amount can truly contribute toward an overall feeling of well-being and personal happiness, but over that certain amount studies have shown that annual income doesn’t really make a person happier. That particular amount is $75,000…and would you have guessed it? Most people I’ve talked with are surprised to hear that’s the number! But isn’t it helpful to hear that number, because comparatively speaking, so many folks equate greater income with increased happiness with no particular limits! The goal with this comparison – establishing reasonable expectations.
On the other hand, comparing ourselves to others can work against us. When we judge ourselves against others, it’s easy to wind up feeling inadequate, like we’re “not doing good enough”. Here in America we have the achievement bar set so high it’s usually the case that folks feel like they’re not measuring up. Ask any employee, large corporate or local small business, how they instinctively feel when told “the boss wants to talk with you”…everyone tends to feel insecure and concerned about their recent performance. Far be it from anticipating a word of praise or compliment, folks tend to brace themselves for a criticism or rebuke. (By the way, if you really want to surprise your staff, spend an afternoon calling them into your office and complimenting them for jobs well done…) Another common phenomenon having to do with comparisons is that they don’t unite us…they tend to separate us. They tend to invite competition, not collaboration. Not that competition in itself is negative, it’s just that both personally and in the workplace competition can get us functioning exclusively and not inclusively, reinforcing an attitude of “us vs them”.
Take an inventory of yourself and see how much you engage in comparisons. Notice when you’re comparing yourself to others if you end up behind others or in front of others. Both are positions which can leave you experiencing lots of anxiety, because the one suggests a negative comment about your level of performance while the other demands that you “stay ahead of the pack”. Both of these states are laden with expectations, which may or may not be reasonable but certainly are challenging. Remember, it’s when we are being good to ourselves, placing realistic demands on ourselves, that we can most enjoy life and turn out the best possible results!
Chase E. Kneeland, M.Div. LMFT 