Being Judgmental…Is There Always Insecurity Behind It?

Everyone’s been in situations where they felt judged by others; this has to be a common life experience. Clearly, becoming judgmental is not a positive thing – it doesn’t join people, it divides them. Why would someone let themselves develop an interpersonal attitude guaranteed to cause trouble in relationships? I think it’s all about an attempt to manage the insecurities a person has about himself…

Let’s think it through – no one grows up perfectly balanced and unaffected by life’s ups and downs. Everyone winds up bruised and buffeted by the inevitable storms of life. I’ve never met anyone who doesn’t carry at least a few negative attitudes about themselves. Most folks feel at least a bit unprepared for adult life, not smart enough, not socially adept enough, not very proud of themselves, etc. How do we adjust to these knocks to our belief in ourselves, our self-esteem? Well, some over-use alcohol or drugs to quiet the self-doubting voices within, some develop workaholic tendencies, some pursue financial gain over and above what’s necessary or reasonable, some develop chronic competing tendencies and “always have to win” no matter what it takes, etc. The list goes on and on. I would like to add some develop judgmental tendencies in the service of feeling superior to others and having to prevail in every relationship. This is a great way to try to shut down the critical inner voices, but it’s cost is the ruining of relationships.

How does being judgmental operate? What does it involve? Well, primarily it’s all about “being right” constantly. People who are judgmental usually have a superior attitude about the overwhelming rightness or correctness of their views… the views and attitudes of others are not as accurate, as appropriate, or as creative as their own. Judgmentalism is most often competitive, not collaborative; it’s always “I’m right and you’re wrong”. This kind of polarization is poisonous in relationships. Since it sets the stage for “us vs. them” scenarios it’s great for tug-of-war situations, but not good at all for team efforts like what’s required in business meetings and community projects. It’s particularly visible and unpleasant in religious environments, where it shows in attitudes of “holy-er than thou” and a smug self-righteous “Christian superiority” attitude. I don’t think anything is more detrimental to the overall mission of the Christian church that this.

So why do people choose to live with judgmental attitudes? So they can feel better about themselves. Since everyone grows up in our broken and complicated world feeling at least somewhat inadequate, it makes sense that a person would seek a solution to feeling badly about himself. Judgmentalism promises to be that solution. “After all, if I’m better than everybody, then there’s no room for feeling badly about myself”, a highly judgmental young man in his mid-30’s I was seeing in therapy once told me. When he began to see the implications of being so judgmental throughout his life he noted that for him being judgmental was like a strong sedative he was finally waking up from. He’d alienated most of his friends and bounced from religious community to religious community, never fitting in due to choosing to feel superior to those around him…and that message was telegraphed subtly but clearly to the others. He realized he was destroying the very things he longed for – community and acceptance – by his superior attitudes, and it was only then he was able to let himself feel the pain of his deeply concealed insecurities and then begin to heal from them. Slowly his judgmental attitudes began to soften and drop away. He mentioned to me he felt like he was finally recovering from a stubborn virus that hated to let go of him. He realized being judgmental was a choice he’d made long ago…and that there were far better choices available to him now.

So, what can we do if we “have the virus”? First off, you’re most likely not going to see that you’re “infected” unless life is not working well for you. Most of the time, unless we’re bothered by how our lives are going and what our belief systems include, we won’t turn our eyes inward and examine ourselves. Becoming bothered by the attitudes which govern our lives is critical to opening the door to questioning the wisdom of long-held beliefs. Then one can start to ask important questions:

• am I truly so superior to others?
• what’s more important – being right or being in harmonious relationships?
• if I’m really such a special person, why do my relationships continually fade and dissolve?
• do I have a broad and varied base of connections, or do I tend to keep company with only like-minded people to myself?
• have I ever gotten the feedback that I’m judgmental, elitist, or superior?
• do I possess the attitude of humility?
• do I have a respectful attitude toward my own brokenness and limitations in this challenging world we live in, or do I prefer to see myself as “carrying no baggage” and “I’m just fine, thank you”?
• is my judgmentalness enabling me to hide from feeling deep personal hurts, being vulnerable and more accepting of others?

Often it takes a crisis in life to push you onto the road of examining yourself. When this happens the crisis is a blessing in disguise, not a curse… it can be the start of a new and much more creative and inclusive life.