Perhaps no condition of human life is as difficult to manage as narcissism. On one end of the spectrum, becoming too selfless has it’s drawbacks, but the opposite end of the spectrum is also filled with pitfalls. It’s a good thing to be concerned about self…but where should we draw the line when it comes to self-preoccupations? When does seeking after what seems like a positive attribute, focussing on self, go too far? A classic guideline of emotional health comes into play here – any positive aspect in life, when overextended, becomes it’s opposite. In other words, when you overdo a good thing, it becomes a bad thing.
First, what is narcissism? The dictionary defines it as self-centeredness, self-importance, conceit, egotism, selfishness, self-absorption, self-admiration and vanity. Researchers define it as egotistical preoccupation with self, personal preferences, aspirations, needs, successes, and how he/she is perceived by others.
As in most psychological conditions, the most important feature is to what extent is the individual afflicted? When does valuing oneself spill over into narcissism? Clearly, self-esteem is an important ingredient in a satisfying life…but when does it advance into the realm of “too much” and become pathological? When does valuing oneself escalate from reasonable to a Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Let’s look at some particulars…
Psychology Today magazine says:
The hallmarks of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are grandiosity, a lack of empathy for other people, and a need for admiration. People with this condition are frequently described as arrogant, self-centered, manipulative, and demanding. They may also concentrate on grandiose fantasies (e.g. their own success, beauty, brilliance) and may be convinced that they deserve special treatment. These characteristics typically begin in early adulthood and must be consistently evident in multiple contexts, such as at work and in relationships.
People with narcissistic personality disorder believe they are superior or special, and often try to associate with other people they believe are unique or gifted in some way. This association enhances their self-esteem, which is typically quite fragile underneath the surface. Individuals with NPD seek excessive admiration and attention in order to know that others think highly of them. Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder have difficulty tolerating criticism or defeat, and may be left feeling humiliated or empty when they experience an “injury” in the form of criticism or rejection.
Psychology Today defines narcissism in plain language, clearly and concisely. What I want to draw our attention to is the statement:
This association enhances their self-esteem, which is typically quite fragile underneath the surface.
So, narcissism is a adaptation to – or a compensation for – a fragile self-esteem. When it comes to relating to narcissistic individuals, we should always try to keep this in mind.
It’s important at this point to ask what’s a Personality Disorder? Roughly speaking, it’s a life-long way of thinking, feeling, and behaving that is rigid and inflexible, leading to problems in relationships. The DSM-5 defines it as:
- A personality disorder is enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior. This pattern manifests in two or more of the following areas:
- Thinking
- Feeling
- Interpersonal relationships
- Impulse control
- This pattern deviates markedly from cultural norms and expectations.
- This pattern is pervasive and inflexible.
- It is stable over time.
- It leads to distress or impairment.
Individuals with Personality Disorders act the way they do with seemingly little regard for consequences. It is remarkable that they seem to have no consciousness of the negative effects they have on other people. They often behave in extremes and seem to not learn from their mistakes. They aren’t bothered by their personality tendencies, and instead they tend to “bother everyone else with their personality tendencies”…they’re fine with themselves…even though how they are is problematic for many other people. The way they conduct themselves will often leave you shaking your head and wondering, “how can anyone be like that?”
Is there anything that can be done to help these people? Most of the time, folks with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are plainly “unavailable for treatment”. Their grandiosity and self-absorbed fantasies of personal elitism and perfection puts them in a position where they simply don’t feel at all in need of help. The way they see it, other people need therapy…they don’t. This is certainly not an optimistic picture we’re painting for any kind of creative evolution of the personality.
Sometimes the narcissist’s behaviors get them into trouble. Getting fired from work, cheating on marriage partners, a history of illegal activities which finally catches up with them…all these things may bring them face-to-face with a realization of their counterproductive ways of operating…and at this point their usual defenses against seeing their common humanity might get pierced. Such a crisis might open up a window where the narcissist can see himself more honestly than usual. At this point addressing the narcissistic tendencies and their destructive aspects firmly and directly is a must. If the individual can tolerate being spoken to directly like that, then they have a chance at “getting better”. I have personally suggested to narcissistic clients that there is a broken inner core (earlier referred to as the “fragile self esteem”) of the individual which the narcissism is shielding from view which is crying out to be addressed at these moments of increased emotional availability. Doing so with firmness, compassion and directness has met with some degree of success. BUT…all this must happen before the narcissist starts to “feel better” – because when they begin to feel better the window of opportunity for growth & change seals over!
Ultimately, tending to the fragile self esteem is the only way to effect long-lasting healing for the narcissistic person. They have to come to see that their self-centered compensations are a smokescreen to hide the wounded self-esteem from view…both their own view and that of others…and this is a terribly hard thing to do. To honestly face oneself and see oneself for who one is at a core level is a difficult matter for anyone, let alone someone who has developed lifelong patterns of not acknowledging their brokenness & common vulnerable humanity and instead pretending to be omnipotent, superior and the center of the universe.
Chase E. Kneeland, M.Div. LMFT 