The world we live in now is vastly different than the one I grew up in. I remember front doors left unlocked, car keys remaining in the ignition every night, and a broad attitude of safety and trust throughout our community. A little while ago a friend of mine sold his farmhouse, and when the new owner asked about the kitchen door keys he laughed and said “there are none, I can’t remember ever having one”. Things just aren’t like that anymore.
In my work I find myself watching trends. I’m also interested in what’s regarded as “normal”…what attitudes and behavior patterns are commonly regarded as usual, what’s generally accepted as a norm in everyday life. I think it’s wise to stay current and aware of shifting trends, as they speak to emerging social directions and beliefs. One trend I’ve been noticing for some time now – increased concerns about safety and security.
First consideration – is our world truly less safe and secure than in decades past? Internationally – yes, without a doubt. I won’t go into all the details about international concerns; most of us are well aware of them. Nationally, most likely a yes here also, but I’m not so sure it’s simply a reflection of outer events. Crime rates in our big cities goes up and down, we hear routinely on the news of disturbances and criminal activity in the suburbs, but in many ways it remains fairly consistent year-to-year. Local law enforcement is more effective than ever, as are our fire protection services and local healthcare emergency responders. However, many people seem to feel a significant level of insecurity and lack of safety. What’s this all about?
I have to admit, I don’t know the answer to this dilemma. Why is it that we feel so insecure? Is it truly a function of outer realities or are we responding to inner sensations that have been generated in us by a myriad of concerns that we’ll never fully be able to catalogue? We lock our homes, install elaborate security measures, visit our healthcare providers routinely and do what they tell us…most of the time. Yet we still feel a lack of peace and security.
Let’s think about this from the inner perspective. What happens to us when we’re bombarded with concerns we just can’t seem to get away from? We start to devise ways of acting out and compensating for those concerns – in the case of pervasive feelings of insecurity we’ll strive to make our lives as friction-free and “safe” as possible, and the lives of those closest to us. I think this is the genesis of overprotecting our children. The psychological process involved here is simple: we project our own security fears onto our children, naturally thinking they are as vulnerable as I am…therefore whatever security operations I construct for them are legitimate.
What are the results of overprotecting our children? I think it has to do with the messages we send them about the world, and about themselves. It’s a matter of common sense and not going too far. To transmit to them the message that the world is a dangerous place and you’d better be guarded is overdoing it. We don’t want to instill a sense of fear and guardedness. What we want to instill is a sense of reasonable caution mixed with enthusiasm and joy to be alive. Remember, we send important messages to our children nonverbally every day, and it’s been estimated that 80% of what we transmit has to do with the nonverbals, our voice tones and attitudes. I can’t stress the last matter enough – it’s subtle, but our kids totally get our attitudes! So, we always have to work on ourselves…if we think the world is a dangerous and threatening place, then we need to examine our own attitudes! How did we get to this belief?
A primary message overprotecting your children sends to them is that you are weak and not able to protect yourself, and you need me to do it for you. I realize that most parents fall into overprotection for primarily positive reasons – they want their kids to be safe and stay safe – but ironically when the child gets the message that they’re weak and not-able…it ultimately disempowers them…it has exactly the opposite effect of what’s hoped for by the parent!
Whenever a parent overprotects a child, I wonder if the parent is acting out of some lurking guilt for a sense of not being present and available in the child’s life more consistently? It seems to me that overprotection is done more for the parent’s comfort than the child’s actual need. In our busy American culture where both parents are working, I think the stage is set for guilt feelings of “not being there enough in my child’s life” to develop fairly easily. “Helicopter parenting”, overinvolvement in after-school activities, and insistence in going along on and being actively involved in college and job application processes are all indications of overprotection.
So, let’s use common sense and trust our children’s growing ability to take care of themselves. Don’t rush over with a band-aid to put on that skinned knee. Don’t tutor and coach them endlessly and meticulously about their school and sports performances…be available and when they say “I’ll handle it” then graciously back off. Do tell them “I know you can handle that upcoming interview by yourself, I saw how you prepared for it”. Offer some new adventures for them to get involved with, such as Outward Bound experiences and weekend challenge camps away from home. Finally, ask your kids, “what’s the best way I can be present and available for you but not be overprotecting you?” You may be surprised with their answers!
Chase E. Kneeland, M.Div. LMFT 