Respecting Limitations vs. Settling For Them…What’s The Difference?

Possibly one the most important features of maturity is developing the ability to know and respect one’s limitations; I’m talking about our intellectual and emotional limitations, not our physical limitations. But how do we know if we’re respecting our limits or settling for them?  Great question!  Here are three ideas on how to answer that question:

• When challenges arise, do we meet them with a spirit of interest and enthusiasm or do we shrink from them fearfully? Let’s think about it…many folks feel pessimistic and overly cautious about new opportunities which come along in life. This leads them to respond to challenges by regarding them as upsetting the status quo, burdensome, or just “one more task to be undertaken”.  Take note of where the energy is flowing in this case…not toward the opportunity but instead away from it!  To meet a challenge and try it on for size, we have to have our energy flowing toward it.  Don’t start off by resisting; make the decision to go with the challenge.  Here’s an example: I get a call from a colleague about an unusual case which is also an unpleasant one…let’s say it’s a custody case requiring co-parenting education, referred by the courts.  My knee-jerk reaction might be to shy away from taking it on at all (energy flowing away from the case), but after some thought and consideration I call the couple and arrange to meet with them three times to see if I can be effective in addressing their situation (energy flowing toward the case).  Arranging to meet for three sessions is not a broad commitment; it’s simply becoming acquainted and informed, which allows me to respect my reservations while also moving forward and learning about the case.  Get how this works?
• Respecting one’s limitations requires that we know what they are. How can we know what our limitations are unless we take some chances and experiment? How often have you been invited to an event, like going to the theatre, and said “no thanks” due to being convinced you won’t like it…even though you’ve never gone to the theatre before?  We human beings do this all the time, and in the process we hold back our growth instead of expanding it!  An example: I won’t see children in a clinical setting under the age of 15 or so, and only then if the teenager is motivated to address their difficulties.  Why?  Because therapy with children is a discipline all it’s own, and it’s not my area of expertise.  However, if a friend suggests that we have lunch at an Indian restaurant, I’ll say “yes”, even though I know almost nothing about Indian food, and undertaking the opportunity gives me a chance to discover my preferences.  It would be easy for me to suggest we have Chinese, but then I’d be robbing myself of a chance to discover something new.  Personally, I have a guideline that I say “yes” to most proposals that require me to go beyond my comfort zone, as long as they seem fairly reasonable and aren’t dangerous.
• When it comes to simply settling for limitations and not working to surpass them, how will I know this is what I’m doing? Primarily by noting that you’re giving up too easily, not struggling with the challenge, not considering how to more creatively manage the dilemma, and sliding back into a de-energized state. We’ve all been in situations where we react to feeling overwhelmed by caving in prior to patiently and thoughtfully assessing the difficulties in the challenge.  You want to distance yourself from the challenge and feel safe, but the safety feeling is momentary.  We feel weak and resigned, not able to propel ourselves forward.  The sense of defeat we feel tells us we’re settling for our limitations.  Nobody’s proud when they give up too quickly on a challenge – we know we’re running away from the conflict.  Settling leaves us with a sensation of having abandoned the struggle, and this is not a good sensation to experience.

I hope these three ideas are helpful as you consider the reality of our limitations.  As we begin 2018, let’s make a point to invite challenges, not recoil from them, testing out our limitations as we go along.