Resentments In The Workplace…How Do We Handle Them?

Who hasn’t gone through a period of feeling resentful toward co-workers?  My bet is most of us have sometime in our careers, if not on a more or less routine basis.    Regardless of whether you’re the boss or an employee, we can’t avoid experiencing disappointments with each other, have misunderstandings, or tolerating plain rudeness with each other at times.  Even though we are sorry for it later, outbursts will happen in even the best-intentioned work environments.  What are some creative ways to manage our tempers, our irritations?

First off, it’s important to know yourself. When you get angry and upset, what’s your usual style of handling your anger?  Do you get quiet and withdraw, internalizing the feelings?  Often this leads to a “blow up” when you just can’t hide the built-up reservoir of angry feeling any longer.  Or do you pick at and criticize co-worker’s performance on a routine basis, gradually meriting the title of “judgmental bitcher”?  Have you ever “stayed on the sidelines” and not engaged in office gossip about co-worker tendencies and skirmishes, preferring to stay “above it all” while sniping from your protected position of detachment?  Or do you use your feelings to propel you to address the situation directly with the particular folks involved in the issue?

Without knowing what your personal style is, you’ll most likely find yourself getting reactions from others you don’t anticipate, don’t understand, and are unprepared to deal with constructively.  One of the most helpful things an individual can learn is his personal physical reaction to particular feelings.  For instance, when something annoys me, I get a restless feeling in my neck…this alerts me to the fact that I’m starting to feel angry.  Another sign is suddenly having a feeling of an elevator dropping…this lets me know I’m feeling fearful.  Feeling choked up and close to tears is easy for most of us to identify; it means we’re feeling moved by something and getting emotional, like what happens when we hear a touching story and identify with the feelings involved. Most of the time, we’ll register our feelings instinctively, prior to knowing what the feelings are intellectually.

Regardless of what your personal style of reacting to charged situations is, it’s also important to know what your triggers are.  We’re all sensitive to certain types of situations depending on how we grew up and our particular life experiences.  Some folks are triggered by being interrupted.  Some are bothered by feeling excluded.  Feeling shamed is provocative for many, as is being unjustly accused of something.  Being bossed around is instantly irritating to many, as is being victimized by the actions or errors of others.  Think about it…what are your triggers?

When we work in a team setting, which most of us do, we’re dependent on everyone pulling together toward the common goal. A clinical supervisor I greatly respected early on in my career once said, “things go great in the workplace as long as everyone gives 110%”.  Sounds simple, but in actuality it’s fairly difficult to do consistently.  As team members, do we know our colleague’s strengths as well as their weaknesses?  Are we willing and able to assist each other when the need arises?  Do we have the initiative to jump in and “check the box” a colleague has innocently not addressed, without making the other person feel delinquent?  Do we communicate and clarify that a certain matter indeed has been attended to, or do we assume “the other guy’s handling it”?  When we work in a team, the emphasis should be personal excellence in the service of a team effort with a team product as the goal.

When mistakes get made, what’s the best way to respond?  Should we holler and let our anger out on each other?  In most cases certainly not, although sometimes getting overtly angry may be helpful.  Most people are very sensitive to having anger directed at them, so much so they forget the issue and focus entirely on the anger. We don’t want to compound a mistake by fueling it with upsetting emotion; that’s creating a second problem when initially we had just one to deal with.  So what should we do?

When we’re in the grip of strong feeling, we tend to speed up…but we’ll get a better result if we can slow down.  I’m a big believer in temporarily strategically withdrawing to evaluate the situation and come up with a creative response.  Simply reacting – “shooting from the hip” – usually yields a less than optimal result. Take a moment to walk away, think about the situation, letting your feelings inform you about the issue; not dictate a certain kind of reaction.  If you can, actually take a short walk to clear your mind…if that’s not possible then push your chair back from the desk, put your pen down, go get a drink of water. Talk to a trusted colleague about what’s happened, share how it affects you, and work toward getting your emotional balance back.

When you’ve regained your equilibrium, then decide if it’s best to speak directly to the individuals involved or to let the issue go.  Most of the time there’s little need to speak about how much upset the incident generated in you; usually all are aware of the feeling states of those involved.  If I’ve had an outburst of irritation I commonly apologize for it; doing so often “pours oil on the water” and helps us move on to the more important matters, such as analyzing the facts of what happened and making plans to circumvent the same happening again.  Remember, we want the issue to get resolved, not get bogged down in dwelling for too long on the feelings…even though feelings are important to notice and honor for what they are.  Lastly, don’t forget to return to the issue the next day and “take everyone’s temperature”; doing so conveys a sense of the importance of confronting conflicts directly, and revisiting the matter often seals a positive outcome for the team members.