This certainly is a very personal issue and thinking about it might make you anxious. There’s not a person I’ve ever met who doesn’t want to be liked and appreciated by others, but a deeper question might be “am I likeable?” Think about it. If you don’t regard yourself as likeable, then the positive sentiments of others may not have much positive impact on you.
People vary in their abilities to feel likeable, to feel positive in general about themselves. It’s possible to be accepted by others, to be well educated and valuable as a working, contributing individual in your community, but to still not feel proud and generally warmly toward oneself. A good test is to have something positive happen in your life and then notice how long the “glow” lasts. Like a satisfying meal, the “glow” should last for awhile and not simply dissipate in a few minutes. But for many people it does, like the moments after an impulsive purchase at a fancy clothing store…as soon as the garment is brought home, the thrill fades…
How do we learn to feel likeable? Probably from how we are brought up. Children who routinely get the message from their parents and other significant people in their lives that they are valuable, important and a joy to be with commonly grow up to be individuals who like themselves. Conversely, children who grow up feeling like they are a bother to their parents, that the parents had them “because that’s what you do; have children”, or that they are necessary additions meant to stabilize an unhappy marriage often don’t learn to feel likeable. Instead, they learn to feel important only when they are achieving certain parental goals, being helpful in the running of the family systems, or working toward keeping unhappy parents happy. They are not valued for who they are…rather for what they can do.
Have you ever had someone tell you they just plain like being around you? This has got to be one of the greatest compliments in the world, as it means that “likeable-ness” is radiating from you and that others can sense it. You can tell when you’re around such a person – you simply feel better being around them.
What can we do with ourselves if we don’t feel very likeable? Well, certainly we can get a trusted friend, colleague, or therapist to talk with about how this is the reality we’re living with. No one should labor on endlessly feeling unlikeable. Another thing we can do is resolve every morning to be our “better self”, trusting that deep within ourselves there isa side of ourselves which truly is likeable…it’s just been sleeping or driven into hiding. Don’t expect instant results; this is a process of unfolding. See what happens…
Chase E. Kneeland, M.Div. LMFT 