As you might have registered by now, I’m all about noticing our common human reactions to events. So today, let’s take a look at our tendency to withdraw in the face of conflict, adversity, trouble, or painful situation. A small example: what do you do when you accidentally touch a burner on a hot stove? Jerk your finger away from the burner, of course! In fact, it’s impossible to maintain our contact with the stove. Likewise, when two individuals are having a heated argument in our presence, what’s a usual reaction we might feel? An urge to get away, leave the encounter, distract ourselves from the intensity of the moment. Simplistically speaking, I think what we can learn from these examples is that withdrawing would be a natural response.
However, is withdrawing the best thing to do in a conflict situation? Well, that would depend on our goal. If we desired safety from the discomfort of being near to or actually involved in a controversy, then withdrawal could provide us with some physical distance. However, if our goal was to work toward the resolution of the conflict and not simply avoid it, then withdrawing is most likely not the best alternative. How would you feel if you were arguing with a loved one and that person got up and left the room? At best, I’ll wager you’d feel avoided…and at worst, perhaps abandoned. Either way, leaving the encounter would not work toward the resolution of the conflict; it would simply prolong it and make resolution more difficult.
Another dilemma is that withdrawing can move us out of the range of being helped. How many times have we felt ill but refused to go see our family doctor, only to have our illness worsen? Withdrawing can offer us a short-term relief from the tension of a challenge, but it also distances us from friends who could be helpful.
When withdrawing happens routinely in a significant relationship, it can lead to disconnection from your loved one. The sense of emotional absense that comes from disconnection is profound and damaging. Like so many trends in life, chronic withdrawing can become a habit that’s automatic, so much so that we don’t clearly realize we’re not present for the important folks in our lives.
There’s one kind of withdrawing that I do find helpful; I call it “strategic temporary withdrawal to regain one’s balance”. Let’s say a husband and wife are arguing, arriving at no common ground, and the atmosphere is getting more heated and unpleasant by the moment. For one to say, “let’s take a 20 minute break and go walk around the block, then come back and resume our conversation” would be a creative idea. Take a look at how this “withdrawal” is arranged for: it’s bilateral in that both partners see the wisdom in it, it’s time limited in that the overall space away from each other is 20 minutes, and it anticipates a positive outcome when the partners rejoin each other to continue being honest with each other. Neither partner is running out of the room and abandoning the other. The “break” is agreed to so it’s not unilateral. And if you’ve ever tried this in your own important relationships, you’re aware of how often partners return to talk with each other feeling calmed down, more patient and open toward each other. Next time you’re in this space, give it a try!
Chase E. Kneeland, M.Div. LMFT 