Although this is a familiar theme spoken about routinely I don’t know how many folks have really thought through how important loving yourself truly is. Actually being loved by yourself, not by other folks in your life, is perhaps an unusual idea for some individuals to consider. How do I do this, love myself? In the spirit of defining terms, the famous psychological theorist & clinician Harry Stack Sullivan remarked “When the satisfaction or the security of another person becomes as significant to one as one’s own satisfaction or security, then the state of love exists.” Ask yourself, “do I often feel this way about myself?”, like my own sense of security and well-being in the world is of paramount importance to me? For many folks, I’ll bet this kind of thinking is inconceivable. Starting when we are young, what’s so often emphasized in our world is the importance of being kind and loving toward other people. However, it’s been shown that is difficult to do if one doesn’t have at least some degree of care and loving attitude toward oneself. In fact, I believe that authentically loving others is predicated on being loving toward oneself; without the one in our hearts we can’t honestly offer the other to folks around us.
Though many fortunate people grow up with this kind of attitude in their families, many do not and so their task is to learn to love themselves as “making up” for what was not there initially. There’s nothing wrong with this; it’s fine to be “playing catch-up” with becoming more self-loving and self-appreciative…we just want it to happen in an ongoing, conscious manner as a person grows and develops. Often times, a person does not really discover the importance of being self-loving until they’re in their adult years.
It’s easy to be critical of ourselves as most of us have a fair sense of our limitations and how these “imperfections” affect us in our daily lives. However, are we equally complimentary toward ourselves when we do a good job or are charitable and thoughtful toward another? How many times has someone given your praise or a well-deserved compliment and it made you squirm? However, it seems easier to take a critical comment without flinching while accepting the compliment is much harder…almost like the criticism “fits” much better than the compliment does! This reaction is so strange and paradoxical, for who among us doesn’t long for that compliment? I think this is a little window into seeing how out of touch we are with loving ourselves.
So, how can we be more loving toward ourselves? Let’s look at some components of being self-loving: appreciating one’s assets and talents…having the ability to forgive ourselves when we make mistakes…being able to be proud and rejoice in a personal goal finally reached or a job well done…being slow to engage in self-criticism…taking time off to “recharge” and forgo feeling guilty…being patient with oneself while learning a new skill or completing a challenging task…being able to laugh at oneself instead of feeling self-conscious and ashamed when things don’t go right. If we can be understanding and accommodating with other people, then we owe it to ourselves to be the same ways with that person you see in the mirror!
This week, try a little experiment with yourself and see how you wind up feeling:
• Compliment yourself for being a hard worker, and let it sink in.
• Listen carefully to another person explaining something to you and commend yourself for maintaining a good connection with them.
• Take time to rest periodically during the day and notice how you’re taking care of yourself.
• Acknowledge the importance of being patient with yourself and how it’s a mark of self-respect.
After you do a few of these, take notes on what you think and how you feel about yourself. Repeat the experiment a month or so later and again check out your reactions. You might be surprised with your results!
Chase E. Kneeland, M.Div. LMFT 