Perhaps no behavior folks develop in their relationships is more annoying and potentially destructive than becoming controlling. Why do people do this? Clearly it’s far more unhelpful than helpful in any relationship. As a therapist I have encountered controlling tendencies in many individuals, and over time I’ve come to understand a consistent truth about controlling people…their controlling tendencies are compensatory to feeling chronically anxious and insecure.
With this realization in mind, we can start to see controlling people as fearful deep down, and not as people filled with power drives. I’m always surprised to discover this, and it makes a person seem much more approachable and “safe” than someone nursing power issues.
How does developing controlling tendencies help me manage my fears about life and my everyday insecurities? Simply stated, becoming controlling gives me a sense of being in charge of my life. The reality is this provides me only the illusion of running my life more effectively, and the minute it’s challenged or questioned it begins to erode and fall away. This is why controlling people, when challenged, often get strident, argumentative and over-emotional, in a quest of trying to shore up their brittle defenses.
In addition, even though it’s legitimate to want to control one’s own life, controlling persons inevitably slide over into trying to control the other person’s life too.
Relating to controlling people is not an easy task. Being direct about how you feel is probably the best route to take. The controlling person won’t like it, but doing so demonstrates personal strength which often will be respected. In addition, many folks have little awareness of the effect they’re having on the other guy, and a direct but gentle confrontation may be a new revelation for them to consider.
Chase E. Kneeland, M.Div. LMFT 