“He just doesn’t share his feelings with me” is a common complaint wives have about their husbands. Although frustrating for the women, it’s often bewildering for the men, who have no wish at all to be upsetting to their wives. Let’s approach this age-old dilemma with a new perspective: let’s clarify the question.
Nobody talks about how we all live daily in two worlds:
- the outer world of things and actions
- the inner world of thoughts and feelings
Both these worlds are related since we experience both as we move through the day. But the outer is more obvious than the other, more apparent, easier to pay attention to; where I went today, what activities I engaged in…the outer world. However, the inner world is where the energy of life resides, how I felt as I moved through the day, how I was connected to the activities and the people I encountered. It’s easy to overlook the particulars of our inner world, but if we do so, we lose the richness and vitality of living.
When we ask our partner how his or her day went, do we really want a recital of the various events which occurred to the person during the day? To some degree, sure. But my bet is what we’re really interested in is “how are you who went through your day?” How did you feel as you went through your day? Glad, scared, bored, challenged? What did you think as you went through your day? Inspired, curious, peaceful? Our interest is in the person, not the events. The events are “out there”…the person is “in here”. See the difference between the outer world and the inner world?
Remember, it’s the sharing of our inner worlds which connects us. And connection is what leads us to togetherness and intimacy. So maybe from now on we might greet each other with saying “Hi honey, how are you who went through your day?”
Chase E. Kneeland, M.Div. LMFT 
Awesome message. I was reflecting on my day as I read this message. We are going through stressful meetings to prepare for patients who may present with Ebola symptoms. I was reflecting on how folks we preparing for and reacting to this uncertainty. The difference maker was not so much the preparation of how we would handle this situation prescriptively. What made the difference was the respect that each of the professionals had for each other to support each other as a team.