About 20 or so years ago the phrase “laid back” came into vogue. Roughly speaking, it denotes the opposite of “uptight”…someone who goes with the flow, is easily willing to be conciliatory, and would rather fit in than take a stand, especially if doing so ran the risk of upsetting someone. Sounds pretty admirable, right? Well…not necessarily.
Here’s the difficulty in it: the lack of self-definition. You see, in life everyone has preferences. Do you want to see a chick flick or an action movie? Chinese or Italian food for dinner tonight? Watch the Phillies on a summer Sunday afternoon or go biking? Sometimes choosing involves a weighty decision, sometimes it’s no big deal. But make no mistake…we all have preferences.
Why is it a good idea to define oneself? I can think of several reasons:
- it’s a big part of being authentic.
- we want folks to know who we are, not who they think we are.
- it reduces the chances of being misconstrued and misunderstood.
- it minimizes the possibility of being experienced as dependent and ultimately being resented.
- if we don’t define ourselves, we set it up so that the other person virtually has to define us; i.e., we get the exact opposite of what’s good for us!
Being authentic, truly being who you are at a core level, is tremendously important in relationships. If we’re not ourselves, how can we expect others we’re in relationship with to be truly themselves? Most people have pretty good “radar” regarding when others are not being authentic, so it’s not like we can “pretend and not get noticed”.
The key to being known is to transmit it, clearly and directly. If we don’t transmit who we are, then folks who we’re in relationship with are left to “fill in the blanks” about us with their ideas, not actual data that we’ve provided them with. Talk about a blueprint for winding up being misunderstood!
Many people hold back defining themselves because they want to come across “nice”, agreeable, wishing to fit in, don’t want to “make waves”, etc. Secretly they’re often afraid of conflict, afraid to make choices, afraid that being truly themselves would be a burden on the partner, or make them seem unattractive, or they’re just plain hesitant about standing up & standing out. In the beginning of a relationship the partner may feel flattered by being deferred to constantly…but eventually it can become onerous and tiring to have to make all the decisions in the relationship yourself…and gradually the partner may come to resent the other, which is a total surprise to the person who’s been trying so hard to “get along” and not make waves.
We need each other to stand up and define ourselves. There’s something comforting about knowing where each others stands, what each of us values and believes. We grow by bumping up against each other’s worlds, by wrestling with and being influenced by each other’s realities. I know it may be revolutionary to suggest this, but to not do so is to deprive each other of the realness of who we are. Soooo…do you define yourself?
Chase E. Kneeland, M.Div. LMFT 
Another great post, Chase! Keep up the great work. I like reading your articles because it provides great insight into your work that I wouldn’t necessarily know or learn about.
This post really resinated with me. What I learned from this article is that if a person doesn’t define themselves and let their opinions known to their partner, just so they don’t cause waves or conflict, it can be detrimental and ultimately lead to a situation where your partner may grow to resent this indecisiveness. After all, who would want to have to make all of the decisions in a relationship?
Gosh, I LOVE this site. In the midst of a moving world, it is a moment of thought provoking invitation. It is short and do-able, and it hits us on deep issues. Those who have shared are honest and open, and thus I am encouraged to be as open. THANK YOU.