We Fight Constantly…Should We Break Up?

Every relationship involves some level of conflict…there’s no way around it. You might be surprised to hear that in and of itself conflict is not a bad thing. Conflict can be a way of getting to the bottom of an issue, clear the air, and clarify what really needs to be addressed. So let’s look at the value of conflict…

Being in a relationship requires that we contact each other, and there are basically two ways we make that happen – either through aggression or through affection. Engaging in conflict – fighting – is all about contact through aggression, while being loving is all about contact through affection. One is pleasant; the other not so pleasant. But both are necessary for the ongoing health and development of the relationship…as long as we keep them in balance.

Letting yourself be in conflict with your partner requires trust in the strength of the relationship and trust in the partner. This is an age-old truth that catches most folks by surprise! We tend to shy away from bringing up unpleasant issues with our partner…but taking the chance to do so signals our belief in the durability of our relationship! So surprising!

What’s the best way to handle conflict with your partner? Follow these four guidelines:

• express your feelings directly
• stick to the facts
• ask your partner to listen and understand where you’re coming from and not become defensive
• in the back-and-forth that naturally happens don’t interrupt each other, don’t pontificate and “hog the spotlight”, and work toward understanding…not “triumphing” over the other person.

Remember, conflict is an opportunity to clarify what’s upsetting you, not to beat up on the partner, cast blame, or “win the fight”…it’s an opportunity to work together to get things out of the way so we can be close to each other again.

I’ve been asked many times what are the deadliest attitudes we can have in our relationship – the answer is apathy and contempt. When partners come to see me in therapy and one of the pair is apathetic about what’s happening in the relationship, that’s a very bad sign for the future of the union. When we just don’t care any more about what’s happening between us, then we have no motivation to change anything. Our relationship is like any living creature – it has to have a heartbeat. Even more poisonous is the attitude of contempt. When one partner is contemptuous of the other, they’re dismissing the value of that person, how they feel and what they think. Contempt involves a superior sort of elevating oneself over the other – it’s an obvious put-down, haughty and unfriendly. Contempt in one partner seems to generate a reaction of contempt in the other, so that neither of the partners will have capacity for understanding and both will be defensive. When this goes on for a long time, the relationship dies. What you’ll see then is most often an absense of active conflict; not lots of fighting. The partners have given up putting energy into the relationship; they are silent and disconnected. As a friend of mine is fond of saying, “not a pretty picture”…

So, “we fight constantly…should we break up?” Not necessarily! While there is active conflict, there is lots of possibility for creative change. Are both partners speaking up to each other? Are both able to listen to the other? Are both able to remain nondefensive? Do both have the sense of being listened to? When folks fight, they are usually feeling pain…can both partners appreciate the pain the other is in? Do the partners still value each other, the feelings and thoughts of the other? Do the partners know how to “fight fair” and take a break from the conflict temporarily if they get stuck and can’t appreciate the position of the other? Underneath it all, do both partners still want to make their relationship work? If so, then they have plenty to work with to forge a new and more satisfying relationship.