What’s A Good Relationship?

I’ve had the same dream now for two nights in a row. That means the unconscious really wants me to “get” the meanings of the dream. Tried as I could, I could find no particular deep meaning in the dream. The dream involved meetings, talking, considering ideas, traveling from place to place, being in school. The only consistent motif was, well, just plain old relating. Which brings me to my main point – the importance of being yourself, relating to others and what makes up a good relationship. I’d like to focus on four aspects of a good relationship: being yourself, spending time, reliability and trust.

Remember that old question evaluators like to ask young executives at annual performance reviews…”What would you say if you weren’t afraid to? What would you suggest if there was no fear involved in suggesting it?” This is one of the hallmarks of a great relationship – there is no fear of being yourself. When we feel intimidated about speaking our mind, being honest and up-front, then this is not a relationship we can truly be ourselves in. Sadly, we see this in business all the time, in political arenas and many times in personal relationships. We say to ourselves “I just don’t want to be offensive”, “rock the boat”, or “be introducing controversy”…but the deeper truth is that we feel scared to simply be honest. Then the relationship loses out on our being able to be authentic…

The matter of devoting time to the relationship is important, too. Far too many husbands & wives zoom around the community, involved in all sorts of activities (which are all “important”), and at the end of the week meet up and feel completely out of touch with the other. Remember, intimacy requires connection, connection requires intersecting with each other, and intersecting requires opportunity and time…and without taking the time we simply are destined to miss out on each other. There’s no way around it – we have to take the time. When was the last time you and your significant other spent a long weekend with each other, or a day, or even half a day? As long as things are
“going along OK” we all tend to neglect putting energy into each other. In addition, isn’t it human nature to take each other for granted? Not a good thing, but certainly common! I think you’ll find that simply spending time with your life partner will refresh and restore both of you. When partners can relax with each other, who knows what topics of conversation can emerge? Ever notice how the during first few days of vacation you don’t feel like you’re really “there” at your vacation location? That’s because it takes time to acclimate to being with each other in a new environment!  It might seem like I’m talking primarily about a marriage relationship, but this is true for any important relationship.

A solid relationship is one in which reliability is a part of the foundation. Ask yourself, “am I dependable?” If the answer is not “yes”, there’s a problem. We human beings need to be able to rely on each other. Have you ever arrived on time for a meeting, let’s say 9AM, and the meeting gets underway at 9:30AM? That sets the stage for you to be inconvenienced all day as the rest of your appointments have to start 30 minutes later than you’ve arranged…everything gets “pushed” a half-hour later in the day. Think about it… it goes both ways – you’re inconvenienced…but how does that make you look to the other people you’re connecting with that day? I’ve noticed lately that many doctors, notorious for lateness, have made me wait only a few minutes past my appointment time. Their staff tells me that increasingly important is what they call “customer service”…thus the new attitude toward lateness, and it’s a move in a positive direction.

Ask yourself, “do I do what I say I’m going to do?” Many people make promises they know will be hard if not impossible to keep, but they make them anyway in the spirit of trying to seem generous. This is a blueprint for trouble, for whenever a promise is made and then not delivered on there we’ll feel disappointed. Remember what we learned in grade school about giving something and then taking it back? We called it “Indian Giving”…not very PC nowadays but that’s what it was called. When you give a promise and then don’t deliver on it you send the message that you’re not reliable. So don’t tell your kids you’re coming to their soccer game when you doubt you’ll be able to make it. Parents promise things like this wanting to demonstrate “positive intent”, but not showing up for the game invariably sends two messages:

• you’re not important
• I’m not reliable

The last feature of a good relationship is trust. Trust is the result of the other three relationship aspects – authentically being yourself, taking time, and being reliable. Trust grows slowly in a relationship. There is no such thing as “instant trust”…that’s naivete…which is a product of immaturity and impulsivity. Let’s face it; we never really know who we’re dealing with until we’ve been with them for awhile. Trust is hard to develop and easy to damage. When we lose trust in someone we tend to write them off as “untrustworthy” and then any significant relationship is impossible. Repairing a serious breach of trust is the toughest task imaginable in a relationship. Many times it simply can’t be done. Far better that we take care not to damage our trust in each other than chance having to work toward restoring it or losing the relationship.