Be Careful With That Reactivity!

Managing our reactivity in relationships is a crucially important matter that’s easy to overlook.  Falling into being reactive with our partner means that we’re not being patient and truly listening – we’re most likely half-hearing and then jumping at what we think is being said.  Much of the time becoming reactive (instead of being patient and responsive) is often linked with feeling defensive and wanting to protect oneself.

Have you ever witnessed a heated exchange between two people and one calls the other “stupid”?  Whenever this happens in my presence I wince, thinking “what’s the listener going to say in reply to that affront?”  When people feel attacked, cornered, not listened to, misunderstood or criticized they often will make a sharp comment designed to back the other person off. When this happens, what rapidly develops is two parties engaging negatively with each other!  This is called being reactive.

Think about this in your own personal interactions…when spoken to sharply or critically what do you find yourself characteristically doing?  Speaking too fast back to the other?  Raising your voice?  Getting a sensation of being hot all over?  Feeling unsafe, and easily escalating into anger?

It’s easy to see that becoming reactive in your relationships is not a constructive way to operate.  It almost always signals an underlying defensiveness in the individual.  Reactivity is like a knee-jerk reaction to a stimulus.  It’s always accompanied by minimal if any critical thinking and consideration of what’s being said to you.  Reactivity is a type of impulsivity, and everyone knows that impulsive behavior gets us into trouble.  Reactivity quite often involves attacking back against a perceived threat, which in turn invites the same from the partner.  As soon as reactivity gets going between both partners simultaneously, there can be no listening nor understanding…only attacking and defending.

How to manage this tendency?  First, ask yourself “am I becoming reactive?”  If the answer is “yes”, then that’s important to know.  Next, ask yourself “do I tend to get instantly defensive when people speak to me firmly and shoot back a reply?”  If the answer is “yes”, then that’s another good piece of information you’ve discovered through your self-examination.  After that, consider how to interrupt the cycle…slow down, think, delay getting defensive, consider what’s said to you.  The most important feature here is slowing down and thinking, not jumping to action and immediately replying back.  As you go along, ask yourself “why am I chronically defensive?”  If you do these three things, you’re well on your way to removing reactivity from your interacting with others.