Are We Spending Enough Time With Each Other?

On the encouragement of a good friend, I began learning fly fishing in 2006.  It soon became clear to me that without mastering casting, my chances of actually delivering the fly to the fish were minimal.  There are many essential elements in fly fishing – tying knots, choosing the best fly, picking the right size equipment for the species – but by far the most important part is casting…and that’s the most difficult part.

I was advised by experts to practice casting in the backyard, on the grass, but not to practice more than 20 minutes per day, which caught me by surprise.  What I learned was that 20 minutes of focused practice once or twice a week was plenty to become a good caster.  At this point, you’re probably asking yourself “why is he telling us this story?”

As a marriage therapist I get asked routinely “how much time should we be spending with each other discussing important things?” Well, on average, how about 20 minutes once each week, and graduate to twice a week as you get accustomed to the new pattern?  I know this might sound silly, but I’m quite serious.

What might you think about getting up 20 minutes earlier than usual on Wednesday morning and again on Saturday morning, using that extra time to have a cup of coffee with your partner and talk about three things: how we’ve each been feeling lately, what’s made us both happy, and what’s caused us concerns.  I suggest you make these simple questions the basis of your conversation and take the opportunity to alternately speak and listen.  Be careful not to interrupt when your partner is speaking, and offer your comments only if requested.  I think the effect this will have on you will be surprising.

Here’s the simple truth when it comes to fly casting or talking with your partner: mindful, routine practice is the primary foundational element for success and enjoyment in your special relationship.